Death With Dignity

Death With Dignity is a process available in Washington State. The program allows terminally ill people to go out on their own. I always figured I would die by painting the ceiling. Death With Dignity (DWD) gives me the drugs available (well, prescribes the drugs...the prescription costs $750 at the moment). From the DWD website:

There is not one simple pill that a person can take to end his/her life under Death with Dignity. The prescription methods now available require the terminally ill person to swallow (or self-administer through a tube) 2-4 ounces of an extremely bitter medicine dissolved in liquid. The attending physician will generally prescribe two medicines to prepare the intestines and prevent nausea and vomiting; these two medicines are very small pills and must be taken one hour ahead of the life-ending medicine. The life-ending medications recommended by EOLWA are combinations referred to as either DDMAPh or DDMA. Either regimen usually causes a person to fall asleep in 3-15 minutes. Sleep is followed by a deep coma and a peaceful death. The less commonly used DDMP2 mixture also induces sleep quickly but may result in a longer time to death. The DDMAPh and DDMA mixtures are both comprised of Diazepam, Digoxin, Morphine, and Amitriptyline (DDMA), DDMAPh has Phenobarbital as well. Diazepam, morphine, and phenobarbital are all sedative/narcotics, which eliminate pain, cause the client to quickly fall asleep, progress to deep coma, and may cause death on their own. For clients with more challenging medical problems, digoxin and amitriptyline will eventually cause cardiac arrest in the deeply comatose, comfortable client. The prescriptions cost between $700 -$850 and must be dispensed by a compounding pharmacy.

I think of weird shit when it's late at night, I've been smoking weed for hours, drinking a couple of beers, taken some Diazepam. I try and stay not terrified. I watch shit on YouTube, think about the people I'm watching. I think dude I'd like to have partied with (that's still alive) is Fat Mike. If anybody knows him or somehow he sees this, I want him to know that when I think about shit and get really terrified, I listen to NOFX and it makes my day better. I truly appreciate that. He's the definition of fucking cringe, but he also seems a totally sincere dude, someone who truly lives his beliefs; in short, he seems like a really good person, I thought about messaging him and letting him know he has made my day better. Life can suck , can be really unfair, the one thing I can do in life is try and not hurt anyone, try and not make their life worse. Mike seems like that, as cringe as he is, he truly wants your day to be better. My mom asked me what I think the most important thing I had done with my life, I told her 'I didn't hurt people'.

There are a few people out there that no one ever seems to talk shit about. Joey Ramone, Greg Graffin come to mind. Scott Ian is another one. Tom Araya is another. Something to strive for.

One positive is that I know the last 4 songs I will hear:

• Lourde - Tennis Court

• Hope Sandoval - Fade Into You

• Ramones - Bonzo Goes to Bitberg

• Kieth Morris - Gimme Gimme Gimme

The only one that I know why I want to listen to it is Gimme Gimme Gimme. I want to feel aggression. Rollins version doesn't do the job. The song needs angst, not anger. Tennis Court really confuses me, but it's been on the list for years. Fade Into You, I think is just because Hope Sandoval is so fucking beautiful. The kind of beautiful that makes your heart hurt. Bonzo is probably because it's Joeys song. I should probably include 53rd & 3rd because it's a DeeDee song, or Warthog. I'm thinking of adding DRI - I Give A Hoot just because I understand what the fuck he's talking about.

It's cheaper, takes less time, and there is less oversite in me just buying a gun and painting the ceiling. I have to see a psychologist to kill myself, but not to buy a gun. Fucking brilliant. I'm not complaining about the DWD process, by the way. Seeing a shrink before you can buy a gun seems like it would be a good requirement for getting a gun.

I don't have to use the prescription until I want to. After 6 months I think I have to have it replaced, but there is no time limit as to when I have to OD.

To qualify for DWD you have to make a formal request with a physician. After that you talk with a psychologist, and then there is a month grace period to think about the situation. Then you have to get two physicians to sign off on the prescription. I figured a couple of the oncologists at the Cancer Center would have no problem signing off for me, the first one, a general oncologist signed right away. Then I talked to my radiation oncologist, and he balked. We didn't talk much about why he was reluctant. He did talk about how, at times, he felt the treatment might be violating the Oath, and asked me to wait for another round of radiation, then if I still wanted he would sign. I waited, but in the meantime, the oncologist had to leave the area due to family matters. At that point I went to my primary care, and he agreed, even though he had never dealt with DWD before. He had an office partner that was acquainted with the process and everyone agreed. As I was getting the second signature, family and a friend asked my to try radiation one more time and put DWD on hold. So I did. Now there is no more treatment and I'm back on DWD.

It scares the fuck out of me. I'm supposed to have an attending doctor; it has to be done in home (or similar), cannot be done say; on the beach, at a park, dance recital, whatever, it has to be done at home. Which means I have to plan it. The only way I'm going to be able to do this is to sneak up on it. Just decide 'now' and do it. Even then I have to take some of the meds an hour before the final dose. That gives me an hour to think about what's going to happen. I also have a friend that wants to be here with me when I die. She lives 7 hours away. I can't imagine the feeling of waiting for her knowing that when she gets there, I will die. I love her more than anyone in the world, she's driven out here a bunch of fucking times. She has a life, with work, family, all that shit, and she'll drive out here and spend the night and a day then have to leave, to be at work the next day. It's fucking crazy.

I have a CT scan in a couple of weeks. This will be the first scan done after not having treatment. I know there were 5 tumors on my lymph nodes in my chest after the last radiation treatment. So unless my body somehow killed those tumors, they will have grown. Fuck this shit. There's too much to think about that I don't want the answer to. Nothing I can do. I don't talk about any of this with anyone because it upsets them. It kind of sucks to try and process all of this alone. Fuck it, no choice. This is how life works, I wish I could believe in something besides nothingness, but I don't.

I Won't Know

I made some purchases recently that I feel like I shouldn't have made. I bought a new vid card: AMD Radeon RX 6650 XT. Not top of the line but good mid level card for like $250. I also bought a Xbox Core Wireless Gaming Controller and a new desk chair. I feel bad, cuz I have no idea how long I will use this stuff, and I should save it for the person I'm leaving my shit to. My old vid card was dying though, so fuck it.