I thought the lump in my throat was from an infected lymph node

I had been in the process of getting teeth implants, and thought the lump was a lymph node reacting to the trauma. The day I went in to the oral surgeons office to have the studs implanted he just said, "Right now, go to the (Port Angeles WA) hospital and get a CT scan, they are waiting for you. Go now."

So I did it, went and got the scan. A week later I'm in Poulsbo WA, seeing an Ear Nose and Throat dude. A week later I was getting a biopsy on a tumor in my throat and one on the base of my tongue.

A week later I got the results, and a week after that they fit me for my radiation mask at the Cancer Center in Sequim WA.

I was receiving radiation and chemotherapy within a month of finding out I had anything wrong.

I mentioned the radiation mask.

See, to shoot radiation into you head they have to be sure you are in the exact same position each time, so they make a fiberglass mask of you head and shoulders, they let me take mine home. See pic above.

The mask clamps over your head and shoulders, making you immobile.

I mean immobile. There is no way for me to remove the mask once the techs clamp it down. It's not really a problem at first, a little claustrophobic, but pot covered that. The problem was that my schedule was: M - TH I had radiation at 8 am. Then on Friday I had radiation at 8 am, chemotherapy until 3 pm, then radiation again after the chemo. This went on for two months. Around the beginning of the second month my throat started to get burnt from the radiation. Think of the worst sunburn you've ever had and put that in your throat and add a factor of 2 just for the fuck of it. I couldn't swallow, and the inside my throat was covered in thick mucus, which would block my airway if I laid on my back. That became a very scary problem. When getting radiation treatment, you don't miss an appointment, ever, and once the tech leave the room, you're going through the radiation sequence, usually between 5 and 15 minutes. Choking was a very real danger and scared the fuck out of me. I also developed radiation burns on the outside of my neck and on my shoulder. Then all the hair on my face fell out, except for 1/2 of my mustache. I still can't grow hair on the right side of my face and neck. Because I couldn't swallow I had to have a GI feeding tube inserted. There was a scheduling mess up, and two aborted attempts to place the tube while I was awake, I end up going 16 days without eating. Anything. I would go to the hospital to get hydration infusions, but they can't feed you that way. So the knocked me out and inserted the tube.

The tube goes through the stomach wall and is held in place on the inside with a rubber balloon, about the size of a quarter. Fucking low tech, crazy. It completely creeped me out, I mean, fuck I can't explain. It sucked. The really cool thig was that to remove the tube the doctor gets a good grip on the tube and yanks. The balloon is the size of a quarter, the hole is the size of a dime. There's a buttload of muscle and tissue in that area. It hurt like a motherfucker. But I could eat again once it was out. But then I didn't care. During the treatment I lost the salivary glands on the right side, and I also had no teeth, they couldn't do the implants with the radiation being shot into my neck. When this started the Radiation Oncologist told me, "Your food is going to taste a little weird." He wasn't wrong, but he had no clue what that would be like. Food tasted terrible. Everything. And it tasted terrible in a way I can't explain. Added to that was the tumor in my neck was the size of a plum, and when they kill the tumor, the dead tissue has to reabsorb into the body. For two weeks all I could taste and smell was rotting meat. The loss of the salivary glands, along with the radiation and chemo therapy, changed how food tasted and I have never recovered from it. I went from 230 to 135 lbs and am still slowly losing weight. I'm 6 feet tall, and I look like a cancer patient. Not as bad as concentration camp survivors did but I am getting close.

That pic was taken about 10 months ago and the skin is finally getting tighter, but I still look terrible. I live on eggs and jello, they're the only things that taste somewhat normal and are physically safe for me to eat. I am constantly more hungry than I have ever been, but I forget about it. If I think about a hamburger with dill pickles it makes me think about being hungry, but since eating that will never happen, the hunger just fades away. Oh, I also live on Ensure, my piss smells like Ensure. I fucking hate Ensure, but go though a couple of cases a month. The upshot of all of this is that the treatments were completely successful. The tumors were gone and haven't returned...to my neck.

About 3 months after treatment ended the General Oncologist had me go in for a lung biopsy. A lung biopsy, by the way, is fairly simple and noninvasive. The biopsy showed the cancer had metastasized to my lungs. This time it was treatable but not curable. I would go in for a CT then a PET then they would do a series of radiation shots to my chest. Then wait 6 months and repeat the process. You can't get radiation treatments in the same area twice because of the tissue damage radiation does. One of the General Oncology doctors came in and gave me almost the exact speech Easy-E got in 'Straight Outta Compton'...we will keep you comfortable, you're looking at about 6 months. So the referred me to voluntary hospice, and sent me home. Here in Washington we have the Death With Dignity Act. It allows for a terminal patient to decide when and where they want to end their life. The act has a few requirement to check your mental health, has a waiting period and requires the signatures of two doctors. And it costs $750 for the drugs. It is easier, faster and cheaper to buy a gun than it is to end your life this way. While at an appointment with the second doctor, a friend with me talked to me about giving treatment a shot one more time. I agreed and went through the sequence again, but after this last treatment I decided I was done. All the treatments were doing was prolonging my life, not curing the illness. So I quit treatment. This was about 2 months ago. I really don't know what to expect. Hospice has been with me the whole time, and I am going to have a CT to check the status of the tumors. I have an appointment with my Primary Care in a couple of weeks. All I do at the cancer center is get my port flushed every month. I really have no idea what to expect.

Having all this time dealing with being sick and with dying had been weird. Some shit I am eternally grateful for; I have been able to help make sure my mother is going to be Ok, I've been able to reconnect with the only person I have ever loved, and been able to spend a fair amount of time with her. I have been able to make plans for my body:

Recompose

With the compost going to my mom and Tonya. If one of them doesn't grow pot in me, well, it would be a real waste of me.

I'm not scared of being dead. The quote at the top of the page is something I read, I can't remember where, but it is what I believe. I think it's going to be like before I was born. I won't know. Now, the process of dying scares me very much, choking or suffocating, however it ends, that part scares me. I also can't decide which will be worse; either I am unknowing void atoms with no consciousness, or I retain consciousness and have memory of Tonya, which I could do nothing about. That shit makes me sad. None of this makes me mad though. There are millions of people in the same position, or much worse positions. If I was the only one, I could righteously be pissed off for being singled out. But I'm not. I live in a beautiful part of the world:

My front yard

The berry farm across the street

My cat

I have had people helping me the whole way, I appreciate the way things happened, and I managed to stay punk rock as fuck. Seriously, I would go to any show and straight into the pit....if I wasn't sick and wouldn't end up a splat on the floor cuz a 59 year old dude has no place in a pit, I would look fucking ridiculous. Still listen to Bad Religion loud enough to bug my neighbors, until they ask me to turn it down of course, no reason to be a dick about it.

So that's it. I wait. If you've had any experience with cancer or cancer treatment and want to talk about it, let me know. Especially if you have had the same problems dealing with the way food tastes....I can only talk about it with someone who has experienced it, it is totally alien.

Peace

By the way, I have no book to sell and am not looking for donations of any kind. If you feel you need to donate, find a charity that interests you and donate to them. Check them out first, make sure they are doing what you want them to with the money.