When and to what extent I tell people about my having cancer.

Having cancer can be kind of embarrassing

Have you ever thrown up in like, a supermarket or a bank, or anywhere in public? It's embarrassing, right? Even though you did nothing wrong, it's still embarrassing. That's how I feel about people knowing I have cancer. Whether online or in real life, I try and not mention having cancer unless asked directly. People get weird when they find out you're dying. I understand, most don't know me really and don't know what to say. Every body is very nice and shit, but I don't want it to be like "who's that guy? That's Eric, he has cancer. Oh yea, the cancer guy". Paul Reubens (Peewee Herman) had cancer for 7 years before he died, and I never heard about the cancer until he died. That's the kind of thing I want. I told my family, a few friends, but in general I try not to mention it. People probably think I'm a tweaker cuz I'm so fucking skinny. I give a fuck.

One of the biggest problems is how much to tell people who do know. When I'm talking to my mom I tell he the basics, but don't go into detail because there is no reason to upset her more than I have to. Then I have Tonya, who I do tell the specifics to, but now I hate talking to her about this shit because it seems like that's all I talk to her about and it's going to burn her out. The Grief counselor is coming out tonight. Looking forward to talking to her, she understands the experience, and I'm not worried about burning her out by only talking about cancer. It's her job. She's also pretty cool to talk about music with. She may not know the exact song or band or whatever, but has pretty good idea what I'm talking about. Think I'm gonna push Bad Religion on her tonight. A few months ago I suggested Ministry, but I think that was a little much for her. I first saw Bad Religion in probably 1985, and have seen them many , many times since. They've maintained their own sound; musically, lyrically and philosophically over what, like 40 years. Intelligent, thoughtful lyrics in punk songs? Who would have thought? Except most punk songs have a point, especially with bands like Dead Kennedys, Black Flag, and the Sex Pistols. I know Sex Pistols were a total shit show, but musically and lyrically they were very very good, sans Sid. You can't count Sid as any part of the Pistols except for the look. He made no other contributions. The songs on Never Mind The Bullocks all had intent. "Bodies" is about abortion, "No Feelings" is about dealing with someone's love, "Problems" is about life, "Pretty Vacant" is about their feelings of the music scene at the time, you get the drift. People really dog the Pistols as being a pre-boy band boy band, but until Matlock left they were a serious, thoughtful band, no matter how they got together.

Ya, I know, Pistols have nothing to do with cancer, but they do have something to do with a huge part of my life so deal with it. Y'all are lucky I haven't gone off on my Pixies rant...yet. And since you asked, the Ramones didn't invent punk, they took 50's bebop music and played it trying to mimic some of the music they were listening to at the time.

Some of the songs written by Deedee were about his experiences with heroin. "53rd and 3rd", "I Wanna Be Well" and "Warthog" especially. The Ramones were very important in getting the sound out though. Every time the Ramones played, a dozen new punk bands would sprout up the next day. Almost every punk band will cite the Ramones first when asked about who influenced them. My view, the very first 'punk' song was Roadrunner by Modern Lovers.

Ya, I'm just sort of meandering around with this shit because I don't feel so hot and am trying to distract myself. I am really having a hard time with the passage of time. When I think about Christmas, I just think 'Fuck", and my gut twists. . I have no idea when the final symptoms will start showing up, or what they will be like. I don't want to become immobile. Don't want someone wiping my ass. I guess I need to look into hiring a nurse to come in at some point. I'm sure hospice will be able to help me with that information. But I want to go before it comes to that, hopefully. Even though I need sleep to not go crazy, I still kind of hate it. If you've ever had to make a court appearance, it's kind of like that. Every time you sleep, the court appearance date gets closer and closer. At least I'm not having any death dreams. I dream a lot, I remember my dreams and can continue my dreams after waking up and falling back to sleep. A couple of times I have been able to tell I was in a dream and had a blast. Lately my dreams have just been about friends and shit. Mostly about the small town I grew up in, Taft CA. Really don't want to start dreaming about death. If I didn't have family and friends to consider, I would try and devise a way to take myself out so that everybody knew about it. Make sure no one else got hurt, but make a big enough mess that it made people say "whoa". But ain't gonna do that shit with my mom and Tonya still around. Man, I'm fucking hungry, and sick of fucking Ensure.

Peace